Etiquette :: A Few Rules for Wedding Guests

Wedding season is in full effect, and many of you are attending weddings for the first time. Believe it or not, it's really easy to be the annoying wedding guest. If you're new to attending weddings on your own as an adult, or you haven't planned your own wedding to understand what NOT to do, you may not know even you're being the annoying guest! Take a glance at these suggestions of what to do and what NOT to do in order to make yourself a great wedding guest!

Photo by Michéll Events

Do I have to attend?

No. Believe it or not, you can say no. Say it's out of town and the time off work and expenses just aren't feasible, it's perfectly OK to say you can't attend. Be sure to send the RSVP card back indicating you can't attend. Very important!

What's the deal with plus one?
If you're married, it will either say both of your names or "and family" to notate children included. If you're single, your invitation will either say your name only or it will say your name "and guest". If it doesn't say "and guest"...don't bring one. Don't call on the phone and ask if you can bring one. Don't just go ahead and add a plus one on the RSVP card when you send it back in. Guest count plays a major part in a large event like a wedding, and they can only accommodate so many people as far as seating and meals. An extra person is not a happy surprise for the bride and groom.

Do I have to send back the RSVP card?
Yes. Whether or not you get a plus one, whether you can attend or not, no matter what....send back the card either way! They're counting on a firm answer to plan for things like meals and seating charts and they are charged for everyone who attends, so your yes or no answer is a very important thing. Take a few minutes to send back the RSVP card! Not only that...send it in a timely fashion. If you respond late, you may be seated at the extra table where you don't know anyone but that's the only place since they had to cram you in to the seating chart at the last minute.

Photo by Z Media

Do I have to bring a gift?
No. But you should at least give a card. That doesn't necessarily mean you have to look up a registry, go shopping, do gift wrapping, etc... It just means you need to acknowledge the bride & groom are starting a new life together and you're helping them along the way. A card with cash or a check in it is also perfectly accepted as a wedding gift. No set amount established and no shopping required.

If I'm not attending, do I still send a gift?
Per the rules of etiquette, no. Per the rules of friendship, yes. Completely stay within your budget of course.

It's an open bar. Do I tip the bartender?
Yes. While the bride and groom (or other party) are picking up the bar tab, the bartenders are still in a service capacity and still appreciate tips. Please remember to tip your bar staff. If unsure who or where to leave the tip, leave it with the catering or bar manager and they can dole it out appropriately.

Photo by Terra Sol Studio

Dress Code? OMG what's that?
Black Tie: Tuxedoes, long gowns and formal dresses.
Black Tie Optional or Formal: The same as above, but you can swap a tuxedo for a nice, dark suit, and a long dress for a simpler dress with accessories.
Cocktail Attire (Semi-Formal): Dark suits and party dresses for all! (Nice pant suit is acceptable for women as well.) If no dress code is specified, consider this the default.
Dressy Casual: Wear a cool tie, pick some fun, bright accessories; either way, definitely dress like you're ready to party. Casual, but a step up!
Casual: Jeans or khaki's are ok. Be presentable!

Unplugged Weddings :: Why Guests Should Put Down Their Phones

Hey wedding guests, we're sure you mean well with the rampant picture taking during the wedding, and we're sure you fully intend to share your Facebook and Instagram posts with the happy couple, but please allow the professional HIRED photographer to do their job and capture the most beautiful photos they can. These will always, always be better than a bouncing pic from a camera phone and much more important to the bride & groom.

Photo from @belovely_design

Every photographer out there will tell you that guests lingering around with their own phones and cameras make it difficult for a photographer to shoot what they were hired to shoot. Don't get in front of the paid photographer who is there trying to do a good job for the bride & groom, don't stand in the way the entire time snapping pics and making it difficult for all of the other guests to see, and especially don't block the groom's view of the bride during the walk down the aisle...not cool, guests!

Photo from @motionartcinema

What you can do as the Bride & Groom if you don't want camera phones in the way at your ceremony or reception: Post a sign at the ceremony entrance regarding your "Unplugged Ceremony". Guests should respect the fact that you want them present in your ceremony, not present with a phone attached to their hand.

Photo by @garrettnudd

Some weddings promote the use of camera phones to capture the day - - and if the bride and groom say it's ok, then go for it! Sometimes the bride & groom provide a #hashtag to use for the event photos, and this is always an invitation to snap pics and share with everyone! However, still remember to be respectful! Please remember to keep it out of the hired photographer's way and not to bother other guests in the process, even if it's invited to happen by the happy couple themselves.

8 Wedding Rules That Can Be Broken

Good to know!

Couples are personalizing their nuptials more and more, and as budgets become stricter, a lot of the old etiquette is being pushed aside. From who pays for the reception to how long afterward you can send a gift, find out which wedding rules are being bent and which ones can be broken!

Planning & Coordination by: Michéll Events

Photo by: EM Event Photography

Cake by: About the Cake

1. The bride's family doesn't always pay.

Tradition has always dictated that the bride's family pays for the wedding and the groom's family pays for the honeymoon. But because of the recent recession, that's not necessarily the case anymore. "Oftentimes the actual funding for the wedding, the expenses, are taken care of by a slew of people as opposed to only the bride's family," says Lizzie Post, spokeswoman for the Emily Post Institute and great-great-granddaughter of etiquette expert Emily Post. "You want to honor the tradition by allowing the bride's family to take the reins if they want to, but the groom's family should honor the new custom by offering.” 

2. Your wedding party can include all ages and genders.

A male maid of honor, a female best man, grandma as the flower girl—your wedding party is just that, yours; there should be no restrictions. "Platonic friendships nowadays are crossing the gender barrier, so it's not a problem at all if the bride would like a gentleman standing up at her side; she's more than welcome to," Post says. "And even the couple's family [can be included]. There are people who ask their mother to be the matron of honor or ask their grandmother to participate. So it's nice to see that's opened up a lot and people are embracing it."

3. Guests no longer have a full year to buy a gift.

Unfortunately this one might mean a few of us are in trouble! Unlike in years past, you no longer have up to a full year from the wedding to buy the bride and groom a gift. The appropriate time line is now "three months, so it definitely is something you want to try to get done as soon as possible," Post says. "Your friends would be thrilled if a year later you sent them a gift; it's never too late. But three months gives you enough time, especially now with the ability to just click on an online registry."

4. You can decline to be in the wedding party.

You've been in five weddings this year, and with the cost of the dresses, travel and gifts, you're broke. So if another dear friend asks you to join their wedding party, it's more than OK to politely decline. Just explain why in a heartfelt way. "Many modern brides really understand with the travel and distance [usually involved], but it's all in how you do it," Post says. "Say, 'I love you so much and I want to be there to support you, but right now being a bridesmaid is not something I can commit to. Is there another way I can help you on your big day? I know it's so important to show you how much I love you.' Make the bride know you do want to commit to it, but you can't."

5. It's acceptable to ask for gift cards or cash.

Nowadays, with family and friends living across the country and at various stages in their lives, it's definitely acceptable for a bride and groom to ask for gift cards or cash. "It's a great way to make it convenient for the guests and easy on them. I don't think it's tacky," Post says. Whereas you can ask for gift cards on your registry, as far as cash, just be polite about it. "You usually want to spread it by word of mouth. You definitely don't want to put 'cash only' on your website and you never put it on your invitation," Post adds.

6. The groom can see the bride in her wedding dress before the ceremony.

Superstition has it that it's bad luck for the groom to see the bride dressed in white before she walks down the aisle. But a lot of couples are kicking this to the curb for some alone time and a better photo op beforehand. "If the bride and groom are very traditional, they won't see each other before the ceremony. But photographers will encourage it because the bride's makeup is fresh and her hair is done so they can get a lot more photos done before the ceremony," says Elizabeth Todd, wedding coordinator at Blackstone Country Club in Peoria, Arizona. "Afterward, they can take a few family shots and enjoy the cocktail hour."

7. Men can take or leave the wedding ring.

Depending on where you grew up, there was probably a pretty clear norm regarding whether or not husbands wore a wedding ring. But nowadays it's really up to the groom—as long as his bride is fine with his decision. "I think it's totally a personal choice. I know some people choose to tattoo the ring on their finger," Post says. "It's a new option."

8. You don't have to do a wedding cake for dessert.

Maybe Cupcake Wars is responsible for this one—more and more often, modern couples are eschewing the traditional multi-tiered wedding cake and opting for cupcakes, or sometimes a dessert bar. "It's fun for the bride and groom to switch things up for dessert because not everyone likes wedding cake. It's also more fun for little kids; it’s easy to eat, less messy," Todd says. "[The bride and groom will] just do a smaller cake to cut for pictures and then after that's over, guests know they can go ahead and dig into the dessert bar."